Meditations on the Unknown

It's impossible to know your own work while you're making it.
Even after it's done, even after it's been presented, even after you've stopped working on it in any way, you can't see it.

I just looked back at a piece i did at the beginning of last year, and felt like this was one of the first times that i was truly able to see it. After a year.

So here i am beginning to wrap up a piece that not only am i not done with (we still have miles of cleaning and re-working to go before we sleep) but that i plan to resurrect in the future and make into an evening length piece. So there's no way in hell that i'm ever going to be even close to seeing this piece for what it is anytime in the near future.

I know it's something. I know work has gone into it. But honestly, that is ALL. I. KNOW.
It could be a masterpiece or it could be shit. AND, it's probably somewhere in between.
But. That .00000009% possibility that it could be a masterpiece is what's tormenting me out of my mind right now.

I don't care if it's shit - that i can deal with more easily. I can defend my choices and i stand by my and my dancer's work, so if it's shit, who cares. But. The possibility of this golden calf we call "masterpiece" is so fucking enticing, and the sinking feeling that whatever i've just made is just 2% away from being close enough for anyone to identify it as such, is why i probably won't sleep well until a few nights after the piece is performed and all the feedback is in.

And even then i won't be able to see what i've made. I just won't care because i'll be working on the next one.